Raspberry Cheesecake Parfaits (For Two)

IMG_0606_Paula Deen is a lot of things: racist, Southern, butter… But damnit, she makes great dessert. And if you like cheesecake (like me), but are too lazy to make it (like me), then these parfaits are the answer. You get the rich and creamy texture of a cheesecake with that tangy and sweet raspberry, but don’t have to bullshit with slicing anything. So no one can point at you and say “HAY SHE HAD THREE PIECES!!!” You’ll say, “No, I had one huge jar. Now shut up and eat your kale chips.”

The best part about this dessert is that it’s red and white, so you can make it for Canada Day and pass it off as patriotic! YAAAY!

The worst part about it is nothing. There is no bad part about it.

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Pots De Creme

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Part one: a recipe for a rich and dense chocolate custard you can make with just four ingredients, and a blender! An idiot could make this dessert. (And an idiot did!)

Part two: another prank on my mom.

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Apple Crisp Buns

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Whenever a guest walks onto a talk show, they are laughing like someone told them a hilarious joke backstage right before coming out. What a cool job. Do they also have someone backstage on 20/20 to whisper something fucked up in your ear so you are appropriately solemn when you sit down with Diane Sawyer? Like “Ellen Degeneres pinches babies when no one is looking” or “Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah really are the same person“. I think I’d be good at that job.

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Best Blackberry Cobbler

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I worked hard for this cobbler. I slithered my arm through tangles of thorns, I balanced like a ballerina on the tip of my big toe to reach the juiciest blackberries at the top of the bush. I risked falling into a nest of prickles to bring you this recipe. But it was all worth it, because this is the best blackberry dessert I’ve ever had, and the only cobbler I’ll ever make. It’s very simple, easy, and you will burn your mouth rushing to eat it.

This is straight from my cookbook by Ree Drummond from The Pioneer Woman. Her recipes are sugar free, gluten free, fat free, and guilt free, just like mine. HAHA. Just kidding. The Pioneer Woman was the first food blog I ever read, and the one that inspired me to start my own. I realize that linking to her website is going to create an immediate comparison of our photos or recipes, but there is one thing I think I have on Ree Drummond. Since I’m not being paid by advertisers or any television network, I’m uncensored. I have my freedom. I can still say the F-word.

………………….Fart.

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Lemon Poppy Seed Cake

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I like a cake that can be paired with tea. I am a tea girl. A sweetea, if you will. I have never been crazy about lemon-flavoured desserts, though; you won’t find me having any sort of lemon party here. But throwing a bunch of butter into the batter really balances the citrus in this recipe, and it’s even topped with a lemon-butter syrup that soaks right into the cake. And yeah, I’m still going to spread butter on every slice, because I’m a butterface. Wait – no.

Just try this recipe and check your teeth.

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Cream Puffs

IMG_6772_  I was watching Master Chef the other night, where during the “dreaded pressure test” (do they have to use that phrase every single time?) the contestants had to make croquembouche – a cone-shaped tower of cream puffs, held together by threads of caramel. I’m an arrogant asshole of a baker, and I was like, “lol yeah I could do that”.

..Well I didn’t do it. But I did make the cream puffs, and I plan to try croquembouche one day. And it is actually good to be an arrogant baker – it will help you to try new recipes without fear. I don’t always succeed at everything I bake, but I have nailed a few recipes on my first try. Not because I’m a particularly skilled baker, but because I assumed I could do it. (I told you, arrogant.)

So be an arrogant asshole in your kitchen. Be a dick. Because if you want to be a baker, eventually you’ll have to let go of Betty Crocker’s hand!

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Homemade Two-Bite Brownies


IMG_6141-2Every time I go to the grocery store I walk past the display of two-bite brownies, giving them a once-over. They look good, they look like they are interested in me. Should I approach? What should I say? Wait, they are brownies.

In fact, they are a $4 bag of brownies. So I ask myself this question when analyzing treats: could I make this myself? If the answer is yes, I’ll probably try it. Because a) everything tastes better homemade, and b) it will save me money. I love saving money almost as much as I love eating..

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Banana Bread Muffins


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IT’S ANOTHER MOM ORIGINAL. The most delectable, moist, and loving banana bread recipe you’ll ever use. It’s the type of muffin you use to break bread with your enemies, or whatever.

My mom is kind of pissed that I didn’t pack these with walnuts (like she did), but chocolate chips always take priority in my recipes. Also, she loves raisins. So she’s a little sweetie but I know that I can’t always trust her because one day she might just snap and sprinkle raisins into everything.

Banana bread muffins. But wait, isn’t that a little redundant? Couldn’t you just call them banana muffins? No. Because you should never forget that you have choices in this recipe. Bread or muffins. I am pro-choice.

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