Raspberry Cheesecake Parfaits (For Two)

IMG_0606_Paula Deen is a lot of things: racist, Southern, butter… But damnit, she makes great dessert. And if you like cheesecake (like me), but are too lazy to make it (like me), then these parfaits are the answer. You get the rich and creamy texture of a cheesecake with that tangy and sweet raspberry, but don’t have to bullshit with slicing anything. So no one can point at you and say “HAY SHE HAD THREE PIECES!!!” You’ll say, “No, I had one huge jar. Now shut up and eat your kale chips.”

The best part about this dessert is that it’s red and white, so you can make it for Canada Day and pass it off as patriotic! YAAAY!

The worst part about it is nothing. There is no bad part about it.

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Everything Pasta

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You know when you were a kid and you’d make “soup” in the backyard, which basically consisted of grass and weeds and shit in a bucket of water? You were just throwing everything in there, whatever you wanted. And you were probably hanging out with your imaginary friend Shadow because I guess your real friends were busy again (because you did have friends, for the record). This pasta is sort of like that soup. Made with fresh tomatoes, the homemade sauce will happily welcome your favorite veggies or meat. You can throw whatever you want in there… and hopefully have more than a Shadow to eat it with.

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Pots De Creme

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Part one: a recipe for a rich and dense chocolate custard you can make with just four ingredients, and a blender! An idiot could make this dessert. (And an idiot did!)

Part two: another prank on my mom.

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Chocolate Caramel Tarts (or bars!)

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Happy Mother’s Day to my mom, who is the loveliest lady in my life. She constantly says things that are adorable, like the time she was pulled over, and upon being asked if she’d had anything to drink that night replied, “just milk!” She still loved me after getting a call letting her know that “Katie is pooping under the neighbour’s tree” when I was three. She tolerated the many times my sister and I trapped her in the bathroom until she said the one word she hates more than any word, ever (The C Word). She is patient and kind. And she’s going to be pissed about the picture I posted below.

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Gordon Ramsay’s Scrambled Eggs

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HI, hey, look over here I have another breakfast recipe, straight from the kitchen of Gordon Ramsay. Well it’s actually from his Youtube channel. But I trust Gordon Ramsay. He’s a great cook and he makes these funny hand gestures when he explains things, like my mom. Hi, mom.

Now, most of you have had scrambled eggs… But I bet a lot of you have never had scrambled eggs like this. They are creamier, softer, and sexier than the scrambled eggs you grew up with. They are the scrambled eggs of the upper crust. They are the scrambled eggs that Queen Elizabeth would eat.

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Paolo’s Pasta

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This is my super fast, easy, shit-for-brains pasta recipe, known traditionally as  “Spaghetti Olio e Aglio” which I can’t pronounce – hence the new name. My friend Paolo made this for me years ago, and I’ve just been cooking this ever since. Paolo is really good at cooking Italian food (never figured out why) and would produce pasta recipes out of thin air. Then they’d disappear and we’d never eat them again! So I had to learn to make this myself.

Thankfully, it is stupidly easy, and absolutely delicious. It will give you a new outlook on spaghetti: it’s not just for marinara sauce and meatballs. All you need is five ingredients, and a friend.

…Because it serves two. You can still eat this if you have no friends!

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Best Blackberry Cobbler

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I worked hard for this cobbler. I slithered my arm through tangles of thorns, I balanced like a ballerina on the tip of my big toe to reach the juiciest blackberries at the top of the bush. I risked falling into a nest of prickles to bring you this recipe. But it was all worth it, because this is the best blackberry dessert I’ve ever had, and the only cobbler I’ll ever make. It’s very simple, easy, and you will burn your mouth rushing to eat it.

This is straight from my cookbook by Ree Drummond from The Pioneer Woman. Her recipes are sugar free, gluten free, fat free, and guilt free, just like mine. HAHA. Just kidding. The Pioneer Woman was the first food blog I ever read, and the one that inspired me to start my own. I realize that linking to her website is going to create an immediate comparison of our photos or recipes, but there is one thing I think I have on Ree Drummond. Since I’m not being paid by advertisers or any television network, I’m uncensored. I have my freedom. I can still say the F-word.

………………….Fart.

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Chocolate Log (AKA Icebox Cake)

IMG_6409_Welcome to the easiest, most simple dessert you’ll ever make. A complete IDIOT could make this cake. Your dog could make this cake. That kid that picked their nose in elementary school while blank-faced staring out the window could make this cake (although nobody would want to eat it).

It is layers of chocolate cookies and whipped cream, refrigerated until the cookies soften into cake. It isn’t an overly sweet cake (the cookies taste similar to Oreos) and being a refrigerated dessert, it is very refreshing during this hot-as-shit weather. I made the cookies from scratch (from the recipe below) but if you really wanted to speed things up, you could use store-bought chocolate wafer cookies, which would make this a 2-ingredient recipe. They are just hard to find sometimes, and I have better things to do than wander around the cookie aisle (LOL jk).

WARNING: this cake must be refrigerated overnight at least! This is not a same-day recipe. SORRY!!!

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