I made a post on Instagram recently that gained a bit of curious attention. I posted about going for a run and enjoying it. Now, most people who know me are aware of my true apathy toward sports. I understand that the idea of me going for a run seems surprising, but I would like to dispel the notion that I am completely unable to be athletic. I have actually made three athletic achievements in my lifetime. And two were for running, you bitches. Read on.
Paula Deen is a lot of things: racist, Southern, butter… But damnit, she makes great dessert. And if you like cheesecake (like me), but are too lazy to make it (like me), then these parfaits are the answer. You get the rich and creamy texture of a cheesecake with that tangy and sweet raspberry, but don’t have to bullshit with slicing anything. So no one can point at you and say “HAY SHE HAD THREE PIECES!!!” You’ll say, “No, I had one huge jar. Now shut up and eat your kale chips.”
The best part about this dessert is that it’s red and white, so you can make it for Canada Day and pass it off as patriotic! YAAAY!
The worst part about it is nothing. There is no bad part about it.
I had a cat for three days once.
It’s been a few years now and I still don’t like to talk about it, but I think that any person who has been on a bad date, or who has been on Tinder, will be able to relate. Let me explain…
Part one: a recipe for a rich and dense chocolate custard you can make with just four ingredients, and a blender! An idiot could make this dessert. (And an idiot did!)
Part two: another prank on my mom.
Happy Mother’s Day to my mom, who is the loveliest lady in my life. She constantly says things that are adorable, like the time she was pulled over, and upon being asked if she’d had anything to drink that night replied, “just milk!” She still loved me after getting a call letting her know that “Katie is pooping under the neighbour’s tree” when I was three. She tolerated the many times my sister and I trapped her in the bathroom until she said the one word she hates more than any word, ever (The C Word). She is patient and kind. And she’s going to be pissed about the picture I posted below.
Whenever a guest walks onto a talk show, they are laughing like someone told them a hilarious joke backstage right before coming out. What a cool job. Do they also have someone backstage on 20/20 to whisper something fucked up in your ear so you are appropriately solemn when you sit down with Diane Sawyer? Like “Ellen Degeneres pinches babies when no one is looking” or “Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah really are the same person“. I think I’d be good at that job.
Today while I was walking down the street, I passed a dude who jabbed his finger at me while yelling “fuck YOU,” and adding a hearty “FUCK YOU, TOO” to the rest of the people on the street.
I’m still not sure what caused his outburst – was he ill? Was he on my period?
“Have a good one!” I shouted over my shoulder.
At first I wasn’t sure what had upset him so. But later, I came to a conclusion: I think he had eaten a dark, dry and tasteless pumpkin pie. He was probably forced to buy one from the grocery store, over-spiced and overpriced. What “fuck you” really meant was, “fuck you for not sharing with all of us the pie recipe you have enjoyed for years. Fuck you for making us live this way.”
Street Meanie, this one’s for you.
You know when you are really cool and confident, and everything you want to say comes out smoothly? I don’t. I do know how it feels to sneeze and fart at the same time in public, or trip over my own toe…
How many pumpkin-themed recipes do you want? (WHERE MY BASIC BITCHES AT?)
I worked hard for this cobbler. I slithered my arm through tangles of thorns, I balanced like a ballerina on the tip of my big toe to reach the juiciest blackberries at the top of the bush. I risked falling into a nest of prickles to bring you this recipe. But it was all worth it, because this is the best blackberry dessert I’ve ever had, and the only cobbler I’ll ever make. It’s very simple, easy, and you will burn your mouth rushing to eat it.
This is straight from my cookbook by Ree Drummond from The Pioneer Woman. Her recipes are sugar free, gluten free, fat free, and guilt free, just like mine. HAHA. Just kidding. The Pioneer Woman was the first food blog I ever read, and the one that inspired me to start my own. I realize that linking to her website is going to create an immediate comparison of our photos or recipes, but there is one thing I think I have on Ree Drummond. Since I’m not being paid by advertisers or any television network, I’m uncensored. I have my freedom. I can still say the F-word.