Are you spending all of your money at Starbucks? Have you been reduced to rags, desperately chewing on old, used cellophane for sustenance? Well, if the drink you’re addicted to is the Caramel Apple Spice, I can help you make it at home.
Because the only thing keeping us all from true happiness is more sugar.
Whenever a guest walks onto a talk show, they are laughing like someone told them a hilarious joke backstage right before coming out. What a cool job. Do they also have someone backstage on 20/20 to whisper something fucked up in your ear so you are appropriately solemn when you sit down with Diane Sawyer? Like “Ellen Degeneres pinches babies when no one is looking” or “Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah really are the same person“. I think I’d be good at that job.
I was lucky growing up to have a mom that baked. We never had store-bought cookies in our lunch – something I whined about as a kid. But I now appreciate what my mom was trying to do. She taught me the difference between pre-made and homemade. She kept me from becoming someone whose recipes include ingredients like “1 box Bisquick” or “instant brownie mix”. (If you’re reading this and feeling offended because you use instant shit, come see me. You can still be saved.) Thanks, mom.
She used to make these cookies all the time when I was a kid. Everyone loved them (obviously) and I am going to share them with you because I’m mama’s little sweetie and I would never deprive you.
“Do you know what biscotti is?” I asked my boyfriend lovingly, and with an appropriately serious tone.
“It’s that long hard cookie you dick into your coffee,” he responded, “I mean dunk.”
I used to hate biscotti, until, like, yesterday, because I didn’t understand it. HARD cookie? Sliced? Crunchy? Words? What was going on. But it turns out, biscotti is pretty good. And even though I’ve never tried the store-bought stuff, I’m sure (like anything else) homemade is better. And these really taste like oblong cinnamon buns.
So enjoy your dicking. I mean dunking.
Mom came to visit this weekend and brought in her little suitcase a box of lard, a bag of apples and a dash of family fun! Golly it was a time.
My mom has made this pie about two hundred times, so I decided to soak in an extra pastry tutorial with my camera while she did all the work. Plus, this pie is a hot prize. I don’t usually post recipes that I haven’t actually made myself, but she my mom. She can be my proxy.
SHE MY MOM