Apple Crisp Buns

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Whenever a guest walks onto a talk show, they are laughing like someone told them a hilarious joke backstage right before coming out. What a cool job. Do they also have someone backstage on 20/20 to whisper something fucked up in your ear so you are appropriately solemn when you sit down with Diane Sawyer? Like “Ellen Degeneres pinches babies when no one is looking” or “Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah really are the same person“. I think I’d be good at that job.

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Gordon Ramsay’s Scrambled Eggs

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HI, hey, look over here I have another breakfast recipe, straight from the kitchen of Gordon Ramsay. Well it’s actually from his Youtube channel. But I trust Gordon Ramsay. He’s a great cook and he makes these funny hand gestures when he explains things, like my mom. Hi, mom.

Now, most of you have had scrambled eggs… But I bet a lot of you have never had scrambled eggs like this. They are creamier, softer, and sexier than the scrambled eggs you grew up with. They are the scrambled eggs of the upper crust. They are the scrambled eggs that Queen Elizabeth would eat.

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Bacon, Egg & Avocado Bagel

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Hi friends. I’ve been away for a while. But I’m here now. Did you know that natural sunlight is pretty imperative to food photography if you have no artificial lighting? Yeah. It is important. I’ve just been taking awful photo after awful photo. But then I woke up one morning and it was like Beyonce was standing in the doorway: there was an overwhelming burst of sunshine, my hair blew back, and I knew everything was going to be OK. I whipped up my usual Bacon, Egg & Avocado Bagel and I snapped these pictures for you. This recipe is fucking delicious.

I wake up like this.

This recipe is Flawless.
It was the Best Thing I Ever Had.

OK OK I’m done.

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Lemon Poppy Seed Cake

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I like a cake that can be paired with tea. I am a tea girl. A sweetea, if you will. I have never been crazy about lemon-flavoured desserts, though; you won’t find me having any sort of lemon party here. But throwing a bunch of butter into the batter really balances the citrus in this recipe, and it’s even topped with a lemon-butter syrup that soaks right into the cake. And yeah, I’m still going to spread butter on every slice, because I’m a butterface. Wait – no.

Just try this recipe and check your teeth.

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Homemade McGriddle Sandwiches (Breakfast Sandwiches)

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I’m the odd one out. I hate McDonald’s burgers, I don’t like their wraps, and their fries are squishy. I buy McDonald’s maybe once a year. But if their breakfast lasted all day, I would be the scraggly-haired woman in the corner table, slowly palming McGriddle after McGriddle into my mouth and making scarves out of the discarded wrappers. I love it.

So If you also like to sleep in and can’t make the 11AM McCutoff, or were banned from McDonald’s for making too many scarves, try making these yourself. It’s a really easy recipe without the mystery ingredients, and tastes pretty damn close to the real thing. Bonus: you don’t have to leave the house.

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Banana Bread Muffins


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IT’S ANOTHER MOM ORIGINAL. The most delectable, moist, and loving banana bread recipe you’ll ever use. It’s the type of muffin you use to break bread with your enemies, or whatever.

My mom is kind of pissed that I didn’t pack these with walnuts (like she did), but chocolate chips always take priority in my recipes. Also, she loves raisins. So she’s a little sweetie but I know that I can’t always trust her because one day she might just snap and sprinkle raisins into everything.

Banana bread muffins. But wait, isn’t that a little redundant? Couldn’t you just call them banana muffins? No. Because you should never forget that you have choices in this recipe. Bread or muffins. I am pro-choice.

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Perfect French Toast

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I love breakfast, because half of the menu is basically dessert. I almost never order anything savoury like eggs and bacon, especially if I know someone else is having waffles or pancakes. I like to avoid any kind of food regret or disappointment.

*WARNING: This post has one f-word in it. If you are easily offended, have an irrational fear of the letter F, or over the age of 50, please leave the room now.

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