Are you spending all of your money at Starbucks? Have you been reduced to rags, desperately chewing on old, used cellophane for sustenance? Well, if the drink you’re addicted to is the Caramel Apple Spice, I can help you make it at home.
Because the only thing keeping us all from true happiness is more sugar.
Whenever a guest walks onto a talk show, they are laughing like someone told them a hilarious joke backstage right before coming out. What a cool job. Do they also have someone backstage on 20/20 to whisper something fucked up in your ear so you are appropriately solemn when you sit down with Diane Sawyer? Like “Ellen Degeneres pinches babies when no one is looking” or “Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah really are the same person“. I think I’d be good at that job.