Pumpkin Pie


Today while I was walking down the street, I passed a dude who jabbed his finger at me while yelling “fuck YOU,” and adding a hearty “FUCK YOU, TOO” to the rest of the people on the street.

I’m still not sure what caused his outburst – was he ill?  Was he on my period?

“Have a good one!” I shouted over my shoulder.

At first I wasn’t sure what had upset him so. But later, I came to a conclusion:  I think he had eaten a dark, dry and tasteless pumpkin pie. He was probably forced to buy one from the grocery store, over-spiced and overpriced. What “fuck you” really meant was, “fuck you for not sharing with all of us the pie recipe you have enjoyed for years. Fuck you for making us live this way.” 

Street Meanie, this one’s for you.

Welcome back! Thanks. I was living on my sister’s couch for a month . But here I am again. I missed you, too!

First off, let me be honest with you. This recipe is from the back of an ED Smith label. Didn’t I already say that some of the best recipes are carefully crafted by big name brands? Just imagine the amount of money that they can put into researching ingredients, technique, and flavour. They know their shit.

What I changed about this recipe was one thing – the liquid. The original recipe calls for evaporated milk (AKA dehydrated) milk which has 60% of the water removed (this is different than sweetened condensed milk which has added sugar). I choose to use heavy cream, because I like to flirt with heart disease. It also makes a creamier filling which is like a soft bed for the sexy spices you’re going to add (am I making condiments a sexual thing??? I’m running out of jokes).

As for the crust, I want to verbally put a hand on your shoulder to reassure you that you don’t need to buy the frozen pie shell. I used to HATE making pastry because I’d roll out the dough, it would stick to the counter and then I would want to punch somebody in the throat. Or it would be too dry, and the dough would flake apart as I handled it.

I would avoid baking pies for this reason, but that is a sick thing to do. People need pie. I need pie. I can’t wait until my mom comes to visit so that she’ll make the pie dough for me. So I took my time, I added more water, I made it rain flour on the counter, and I succeeded (using my mom’s recipe of course).

Flaky, tender crust for a creamy pie. I’ll even show you how to crimp the edges. LET’S GO.


Pastry (for 2 9-inch pies):

  • 1 3/4 cup flour
  • 3/4 tsp salt
  • 3/4 cup lard, cut into cubes (Not margarine – I use Tenderflake!)
  • 4-5 tbsp ice cold water

Pie Filling:

  • 2 eggs
  • 1/2 can (398 mL) E.D.SMITH Pure Pumpkin
  • 1 cup packed brown sugar
  • 1 tsp ground cinnamon
  • 1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
  • 1/4 tsp ground ginger
  • 1/4 tsp salt
  • 3/4 cup heavy cream
  1. Make the pastry. Blend together the flour and salt. Add the lard. Using your hands, rub the flour into the lard. You want to incorporate the flour mixture so that it resembles coarse sand. You can also use a pastry cutter for this step.
  2. When the lard is blended, slowly add 4-5 tablespoons of water, one tablespoon at a time (you may not need 5), stirring gently until a dough is formed. The dough should be pliable – it shouldn’t break apart or be so wet that it sticks to your hands. You want to use enough water because if the dough is too dry, it will flake apart later when you roll it out. Split the dough in half. Cover and refrigerate 45 minutes to an hour. (You can freeze the second half of the dough for another day!)
  3. Sprinkle your counter generously with flour (seriously, don’t be scared, we don’t want the pastry to stick) and turn the dough out. Dust your rolling pin with more flour and gently roll the dough into a round shape about 10-inches in diameter, rolling from the middle in alternating directions.
  4. Position your pie plate next to the pastry. Carefully work your hand underneath the rolled dough, and transfer to the pie plate, gently pressing into place.
  5. You should have excess dough falling over the edges of the pie plate. Pinch the dough up, and crimp the edges by pressing the dough between your thumb and forefinger of one hand, and forefinger of your other hand (shown below). Don’t be frustrated if it doesn’t look perfect – the edges will shrink during baking, and it will look cool and rustic. Besides, you’re still one step ahead than if you had done regular edges. Preheat oven to 425F.
  6. Make the filling. Beat eggs gently in a medium-sized bowl. Add pumpkin puree, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and salt. Stir well until combined. Blend in heavy cream. Pour filling into pie shell.
  7. Bake at 425F for 15 minutes. Reduce heat to 350F and bake for an additional 30-35 minutes, or until a knife inserted in the center of the pie comes out clean. Cool. Top with whipped cream.




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