Part one: a recipe for a rich and dense chocolate custard you can make with just four ingredients, and a blender! An idiot could make this dessert. (And an idiot did!)
Part two: another prank on my mom.
I received a lot of comments about my last post, detailing the pranks I’ve played on my sweet mom over the years. One of my favorites, though, was one I’ll refer to as The Netflix One.
If you don’t care about this story, scroll further for Pots De Creme. But know that I am frowning at you.
So, my mom has a Netflix account that she has allowed my sister and I to use. This means there are three profiles on the account: my mom’s, my sister’s, and mine. Nice kids would thank their mom for allowing them free access–I think? I’m not sure because I’m not a nice kid.
I decided to add a fourth and fifth profile: “Nev”, because I had been watching a lot of MTV’s Catfish (good show), and “Miracle”, also from Catfish. The names needed to be passable while still confusing the shit out of my mom. My mom knows enough about computers to get by–she is by no means inept–but parents from that generation just have this technology sweet spot. They know we grew up with the internet, so they know we have a natural advantage, and are just ignorant enough to believe a little bit of bullshit. (Sorry, mom!)
Not long after adding the profile, my mom deletes it without mention. So after a few weeks go by, I add another one–“Jupey”. I was going to put “Jupiter”, but again, I needed to avoid raising suspicion. Jupey was weird, but not glaringly fake. Meanwhile, I’ve let my sister know what I’ve been doing.
“Ask her if she’s noticed some weird profiles on the Netflix account,” I tell her. (Again, mom, I love you. Don’t be pissed about this one.) So, she gently brings this up to my mom who finally blurts out how confused and suspicious she is over these strange profiles! How she’s googled them! Who are they? What do they want? HOW are they getting on there? She changes the password.
Some time later I add a seventh, named Carly (’cause you’ve gotta throw a regular one in there to keep it balanced). My mom freaks out, so I gently warn her of a Netflix virus that has been going around, allowing hackers access to your account. She panics. “My visa information is on there!” she says. She changes the password a second time. After letting her regain a sense of security, I add the eighth and ninth final profiles: the pièce de résistance. Their names?
“Imgonna” and “Fuckingkillyou”.
I love my mom so much. I don’t want to kill her–I just like to scare her. And I did. Once she tells me how freaked out she is by this new murderer who has appeared (well, two, technically), I reveal myself. And after all the years of pranks, fuckery and tomfoolery, she still exclaimed with great shock and horror, “It was YOU THE WHOLE TIME?!”
Yes, mom. It was me. It’s always me.
Pots De Creme (for 2)
- 3/4 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
- 2 eggs, at room temperature*
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract (or your favorite liqueur)
- 1 pinch salt
- 1/2 cup very hot coffee or espresso*
*In order for you to avoid making chocolate soup, it is imperative for the eggs to be at room temperature and the coffee to be piping hot. Don’t you dare ignore this asterisk.
This is also only half of the original recipe. If you are making dessert for more than two people, you can easily double it!
Place chocolate chips, eggs and vanilla in blender. Add salt. Turn on blender.
While the ingredients are blending, remove the circular disc in the middle of the blender lid and VERY SLOWLY pour in coffee in a thin, steady stream.
You may feel impatient and want to just dump the remaining coffee in, but resist this urge. Patience will yield you a beautiful custard, and ignoring these directions will get you chocolate soup, or gritty pudding.
Blend for about a minute until the mixture is smooth and you’re sure no bits of chocolate remain.
Pour mixture into dessert cups about 2/3 full, to make room for whipped cream.
Refrigerate 3-4 hours or until set. Top with whipped cream–you want that whipped cream–it helps balance out the richness of the chocolate and mellows the coffee flavour.