(READ ON FOR PHOTOS!)
Seriously, I did it.
My apartment had a little mouse problem a few months ago. For a time, there was a mouse I would see most early mornings in the kitchen. I’d be making coffee, and I’d look down and see this tiny gray head emerging from under the fridge.
Part one: a recipe for a rich and dense chocolate custard you can make with just four ingredients, and a blender! An idiot could make this dessert. (And an idiot did!)
Part two: another prank on my mom.
Here’s a picture from the time I collected fourteen pairs (yes that’s fourteen pairs) of my mom’s reading glasses. She would kept losing them and buying more, so pretty soon they were stashed throughout the house. That was at least six years ago. Imagine how many she has now…
*My mom would probably want me to put a disclaimer here saying that she is not a crazy person who collects glasses. She is just a nice lady who likes to read!
Happy Mother’s Day to my mom, who is the loveliest lady in my life. She constantly says things that are adorable, like the time she was pulled over, and upon being asked if she’d had anything to drink that night replied, “just milk!” She still loved me after getting a call letting her know that “Katie is pooping under the neighbour’s tree” when I was three. She tolerated the many times my sister and I trapped her in the bathroom until she said the one word she hates more than any word, ever (The C Word). She is patient and kind. And she’s going to be pissed about the picture I posted below.
Whenever a guest walks onto a talk show, they are laughing like someone told them a hilarious joke backstage right before coming out. What a cool job. Do they also have someone backstage on 20/20 to whisper something fucked up in your ear so you are appropriately solemn when you sit down with Diane Sawyer? Like “Ellen Degeneres pinches babies when no one is looking” or “Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah really are the same person“. I think I’d be good at that job.
God bless The Beagle Pub. It was the very first pub I went to on my 19th birthday in Victoria, where I had lunch with three policemen. I had been arrested earlier that morning for farting on a baby, but the charges were later dropped when the baby correctly identified Kristen Wiig next to me in a lineup.
So these are called madeleines. They are shell-shaped, French sponge cakes. Perfect for tea. Some people I’ve shared them with have taken to calling them “football cookies”. These are not football cookies. They are delicate, fancy tea cakes and they demand your respect and poise. Somebody having a bad day? Give them one of these tiny sponge cakes and watch their fingertips curl as they delicately eat the shit out of it with their mouth.
Hiii. Due to the overwhelming (luke-warm) response on my Instagram page, I decided to make this my next post. You know when you’re at work and you just need a little snacky-poo? This is the snacky-poo you need. Creamy almond butter, rolled oats and ground flaxseed mixed with freshly ground espresso and chocolate chips, then rolled into bite-size balls that you can eat quickly and suspiciously because you’re not really supposed to be eating at work. And then somebody says, “What’s that?”
“It’s an energy ball!”
“What’s an energy ball?”
“It’s like a, like, rolled oats and almond butter, and some chocolate, there’s some energy in there. It’s balls-it’s a ball. It tastes good. …..I have energy now!”
You too can have the energy, if you make these balls.
HI, hey, look over here I have another breakfast recipe, straight from the kitchen of Gordon Ramsay. Well it’s actually from his Youtube channel. But I trust Gordon Ramsay. He’s a great cook and he makes these funny hand gestures when he explains things, like my mom. Hi, mom.
Now, most of you have had scrambled eggs… But I bet a lot of you have never had scrambled eggs like this. They are creamier, softer, and sexier than the scrambled eggs you grew up with. They are the scrambled eggs of the upper crust. They are the scrambled eggs that Queen Elizabeth would eat.
Hi friends. I’ve been away for a while. But I’m here now. Did you know that natural sunlight is pretty imperative to food photography if you have no artificial lighting? Yeah. It is important. I’ve just been taking awful photo after awful photo. But then I woke up one morning and it was like Beyonce was standing in the doorway: there was an overwhelming burst of sunshine, my hair blew back, and I knew everything was going to be OK. I whipped up my usual Bacon, Egg & Avocado Bagel and I snapped these pictures for you. This recipe is fucking delicious.
I wake up like this.
This recipe is Flawless.
It was the Best Thing I Ever Had.
OK OK I’m done.