Everything Pasta

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You know when you were a kid and you’d make “soup” in the backyard, which basically consisted of grass and weeds and shit in a bucket of water? You were just throwing everything in there, whatever you wanted. And you were probably hanging out with your imaginary friend Shadow because I guess your real friends were busy again (because you did have friends, for the record). This pasta is sort of like that soup. Made with fresh tomatoes, the homemade sauce will happily welcome your favorite veggies or meat. You can throw whatever you want in there… and hopefully have more than a Shadow to eat it with.

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Pots De Creme

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Part one: a recipe for a rich and dense chocolate custard you can make with just four ingredients, and a blender! An idiot could make this dessert. (And an idiot did!)

Part two: another prank on my mom.

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Mom, you’re gonna love this one.

Here’s a picture from the time I collected fourteen pairs (yes that’s fourteen pairs) of my mom’s reading glasses. She would kept losing them and buying more, so pretty soon they were stashed throughout the house. That was at least six years ago. Imagine how many she has now…

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*My mom would probably want me to put a disclaimer here saying that she is not a crazy person who collects glasses. She is just a nice lady who likes to read!

 

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Chocolate Caramel Tarts (or bars!)

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Happy Mother’s Day to my mom, who is the loveliest lady in my life. She constantly says things that are adorable, like the time she was pulled over, and upon being asked if she’d had anything to drink that night replied, “just milk!” She still loved me after getting a call letting her know that “Katie is pooping under the neighbour’s tree” when I was three. She tolerated the many times my sister and I trapped her in the bathroom until she said the one word she hates more than any word, ever (The C Word). She is patient and kind. And she’s going to be pissed about the picture I posted below.

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Apple Crisp Buns

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Whenever a guest walks onto a talk show, they are laughing like someone told them a hilarious joke backstage right before coming out. What a cool job. Do they also have someone backstage on 20/20 to whisper something fucked up in your ear so you are appropriately solemn when you sit down with Diane Sawyer? Like “Ellen Degeneres pinches babies when no one is looking” or “Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah really are the same person“. I think I’d be good at that job.

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Cinnamon Madeleines

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So these are called madeleines. They are shell-shaped, French sponge cakes. Perfect for tea. Some people I’ve shared them with have taken to calling them “football cookies”. These are not football cookies. They are delicate, fancy tea cakes and they demand your respect and poise. Somebody having a bad day? Give them one of these tiny sponge cakes and watch their fingertips curl as they delicately eat the shit out of it with their mouth.

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Espresso Energy Balls

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Hiii. Due to the overwhelming (luke-warm) response on my Instagram page, I decided to make this my next post. You know when you’re at work and you just need a little snacky-poo? This is the snacky-poo you need. Creamy almond butter, rolled oats and ground flaxseed mixed with freshly ground espresso and chocolate chips, then rolled into bite-size balls that you can eat quickly and suspiciously because you’re not really supposed to be eating at work. And then somebody says, “What’s that?”

“It’s an energy ball!”

“What’s an energy ball?” 

“It’s like a, like, rolled oats and almond butter, and some chocolate, there’s some energy in there. It’s balls-it’s a ball. It tastes good. …..I have energy now!”

You too can have the energy, if you make these balls.

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Gordon Ramsay’s Scrambled Eggs

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HI, hey, look over here I have another breakfast recipe, straight from the kitchen of Gordon Ramsay. Well it’s actually from his Youtube channel. But I trust Gordon Ramsay. He’s a great cook and he makes these funny hand gestures when he explains things, like my mom. Hi, mom.

Now, most of you have had scrambled eggs… But I bet a lot of you have never had scrambled eggs like this. They are creamier, softer, and sexier than the scrambled eggs you grew up with. They are the scrambled eggs of the upper crust. They are the scrambled eggs that Queen Elizabeth would eat.

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